Update on the laptop. Apparently, it should be called a "lap"top. I was told by my IT friend that it was obvious I kept my laptop too much in my...well...lap, and that this caused the fan that cooled the hard drive from working properly which caused the hard drive to fry.
So, he is replacing my hard drive today. Most of my files (a.k.a. porn) is salvageable but I will have to re-install my programs.
At least it's an easy fix. One-handed typing here I come! :)