Sunday, October 21, 2012

Life In a Bottle Week 1

My life is in a bottle, and I've decided to start posting on here about my continuing struggle with that. I've mentioned a couple of times before about my problems with alcohol and needing to go to AA, so I thought I'd start a weekly post (or possibly more) talking about this.

Mostly, I'm just gonna type out my journal. Right now I'm trying to write a page a day. Yeah, I know, one page isn't much, but it's a start. And, I'm sorry, but I'm gonna start in medias res.

Friday night was the first Grapevine meeting that I've been to that I actually liked. The reading was by an actual agnostic/atheist guy, and the discussion focused on people's higher powers. I tried to imagine mine. Tried to imagine the concept that god is everything and we are all a part of that - pinpoints of light, of god in that. But then I had the thought that that - the imagining - was just a mental exercise. How could I with my finite life, finite knowledge, finite brain possibly encompass my higher power (god, the universe, everything - thank you, Douglas) within my mind. Like B said, I was making it small like me. And then I understood the Big Book saying, "Our own conception, however inadequate, was sufficient to make the approach and to effect a contact with Him." Yes, "Him." Big "H." Funny how Christian the chapter "We Agnostics" actually sounds. But ignoring that, as best I can, I realized: we do what we must to get to our higher power, and we use whatever we must as a go-between to get us there, cause really that's all we can do, that's really all that is allowed us: shadows, the cloud of unknowing, the burning bush, the stars, this doorknob, a piano, Kahless, RuPaul, an image imagined. And even if drinking doesn't automatically become easier to tame, it is a step. A spiritual step. Some go-betweens make the spirit soar; others deaden it. Some make the world smaller; others open us up to newer, larger worlds. I did not drink Friday night. I hope I do not drink today. I want stillness.

Thank you for reading.

10 comments:

pastoralice said...

That was beautiful, brother. I am a firm believer in God and in ambiguity. I, too, wrestle with defining the Holy.

One day at a time.

Writer said...

Thank you, alice. Right now, I'm doing one hour at a time...if not one minute. :)

Mind Of Mine said...

Thank you for sharing this with us, I look forward reading more.

Writer said...

Thank you, Mind Of Mine. :)

Loki's Log said...

Hang tough buddy. Write when and whatever you are comfortable sharing. I am here when you need me. You know that.

Tamayn Irraniah said...

It really is an interesting way to think about it. I love the idea of God has he is described in literature, but well, it's his fan club that cause a real problem. I don't think there's anything necessarily wrong with viewing the world on the small level and moving up. In most scientific studies, it's been shown that structural atom arrangements resemble the stars in the skies. From that which is small, we find the bigger things in life. We have to start with what we know, and work up to truly understand things.

Writer said...

I know, Loki. Thank you. :)

Writer said...

I completely agree, Tamayn. I just hope my smaller understanding will grow into larger understanding, unlike God's fan club who tries to keep understanding from expanding. :)

JamTheCat said...

You're stronger than you think you are, JP. You've already proven it, and will continue to prove it, day by day. I have family members who've gone through this and friends, and it's not easy. But in the end, it's worth it.

Writer said...

I'm beginning to see that, Kyle, but it truly is a day-to-day scenario. :)