My life is in a bottle, and I've decided to start posting on here about my continuing struggle with that. I've mentioned a couple of times before about my problems with alcohol and needing to go to AA, so I thought I'd start a weekly post (or possibly more) talking about this.
Mostly, I'm just gonna type out my journal. Right now I'm trying to write a page a day. Yeah, I know, one page isn't much, but it's a start. And, I'm sorry, but I'm gonna start in medias res.
Friday night was the first Grapevine meeting that I've been to that I actually liked. The reading was by an actual agnostic/atheist guy, and the discussion focused on people's higher powers. I tried to imagine mine. Tried to imagine the concept that god is everything and we are all a part of that - pinpoints of light, of god in that. But then I had the thought that that - the imagining - was just a mental exercise. How could I with my finite life, finite knowledge, finite brain possibly encompass my higher power (god, the universe, everything - thank you, Douglas) within my mind. Like B said, I was making it small like me. And then I understood the Big Book saying, "Our own conception, however inadequate, was sufficient to make the approach and to effect a contact with Him." Yes, "Him." Big "H." Funny how Christian the chapter "We Agnostics" actually sounds. But ignoring that, as best I can, I realized: we do what we must to get to our higher power, and we use whatever we must as a go-between to get us there, cause really that's all we can do, that's really all that is allowed us: shadows, the cloud of unknowing, the burning bush, the stars, this doorknob, a piano, Kahless, RuPaul, an image imagined. And even if drinking doesn't automatically become easier to tame, it is a step. A spiritual step. Some go-betweens make the spirit soar; others deaden it. Some make the world smaller; others open us up to newer, larger worlds. I did not drink Friday night. I hope I do not drink today. I want stillness.
Thank you for reading.