Sunday, November 4, 2012

My Life in a Bottle Week 3

Friday night I almost spoke again at the meeting. I had spoken for the first time at the Wednesday night meeting, but suddenly the meeting was over, and what I had to say seemed self-indulgent after what C and H had said. C talked about his mom decaying, the death of his father. H about an alcoholic friend who'd committed suicide. What I had to say seemed more in line with the conversation just before them, when J was talking about his young life in New York City, Thanksgiving and gratitude. So I shared it with M: it was a quote from Lifelube: when you're about to begin something difficult, think to yourself that it is easy, and eventually it will be. It struck me, cause even one month of sobriety seems like an impossibility. Six months? Let's start talking about unicorns. But if I think, "One month? Yeah that's easy," I can retrain my mind. It's like another M said, I have to do spiritual (and possibly physical) pushups.

That's what I think the pages of this journal are: I do one page and soon I will write more. I learn to walk so soon I can run. I'm trying to make this a daily practice, one page each morning. Working my way through the mountains that keep me from the spirit within, the spirit that listens and translates and transliterates and sings. Ever since I say Nikky Finney this week, I keep wondering what it is that I want to write, but right now I just want to find the way out of my way and write what comes. To listen and sing. To practice. "I put this moment here."

Maybe I will never be published, but I want to be. So many of my heroes are writers. I want to be among them. I don't want to be just a "writer." I want to be a Writer. A scribbler of pages.

This weekend was rough. Though I'm fairly new to the program, I don't feel like I have the extra fellowship that a newbie should have. My potential sponsor's phone had been turned off. Another couple of people that I had been talking to, I texted them: one guy took an hour to get back to me while the other has never responded. I posted on Facebook that I was in need, and another program person who is also my friend there, texted me to check if I were okay. He ended up saying basically that everyone in the program has a life, and I wondered then what's the point of handing out phone lists, of saying if you need someone call.

Though I began questioning whether I was going to continue going when it seemed the support net seemed to exist only during the meeting, I'm going to continue going, but most likely, I'm going to work the steps on my own. If I'm told that I need to ask for help, what does it matter if no one is willing to hear the call.

So, a new week begins, and all I have to do is wait and keep telling myself "This is easy." It'll be fine.

11 comments:

Tamayn Irraniah said...

I wish I could better understand this so that I could offer you more support. I remember watching my father, who is to this day an alcoholic but doesn't admit it, and thinking that I'd never become like that. Sure enough, college happened. All I can say is that I hope you're doing well and that you're getting something out of the meetings.

As I've said before, I'd love to do a writing exchange with you, and I definitely know what you mean about feeling like you want to write, but the question becomes what? I was always told to write what you know. If you need something more structured in terms of writing, might I suggest http://nanowrimo.org . I have tried every year to finish a full novel, yet never succeeded.

I also have to say thank you for putting up some Kate Bush. It's a beautiful song.

Writer said...

Tell me more about this writing exchange. :)

Tamayn Irraniah said...

Well, it's really something we could do anyway you wanted. I used to have a challenge with a friend where we'd create challenges for each other by having the other write a short story based on a phrase, or on a scenario. It was a lot of fun. Let me know how you'd want to do it, or even if you'd like to write something longer format. There's no rules! We'll make them up as we go along!

SEAN said...

I was just about to ask how things were going. You sound strong. I'm pride of, happy for and always there for you.

Loki's Log said...

Writer,

First off -- I will fly down there and beat the crap out of these guys if they dont answer your texts. WTF? Text me at anytime. Call me when you need too. I'll do whatever I can.

A writing exchange is an amazing idea. I used to do one as well. They are all strucutre differnetly and there are no rules. The one I participated in we'd do a bunch of differnet things -- give each other assignemtns or scnearios to write on; we'd write things that startedd with one and then passed to another etc., One book we loved to use was by the San Francisco Writers' Grotto called 642 Things To Write About. I'd be game for joining you guys as well (if you wanted to do it with just the two of you thats cool too). And any time you need to reach me, Im here man.

Writer said...

Loki, I don't have your number. Well, I mean, I think the number I do have is a landline or something.

You could totally be a part of the writing exchange. I remember when I was in writing classes, I did my best writing because of the assignments and the structure of it. Having an actual deadline. :)

Writer said...

Thank you, Sean. That means a lot to me. :)

Tamayn Irraniah said...

Hey Loki!

I say the more the merrier! I'd love to see how we can get this off the ground. How would you guys want to make the specifics? Obviously we'll need to have a deadline. The writing I used to do with my friends can all be found here: https://tamayn.wordpress.com/

Let me know what you guys think about the specifics!

Writer said...

Well, maybe keep it to short fiction with a week to week deadline. And maybe we could rotate: each week a different person suggests/assigns a topic or something like that?

Tamayn Irraniah said...

That could work for me. Do we want to assign any additional requirements or anything else?

Writer said...

Loki and Tamayn, we may want to continue this discussion via email.

I can't think of any additional requirements. Word count?