Friday night I almost spoke again at the meeting. I had spoken for the first time at the Wednesday night meeting, but suddenly the meeting was over, and what I had to say seemed self-indulgent after what C and H had said. C talked about his mom decaying, the death of his father. H about an alcoholic friend who'd committed suicide. What I had to say seemed more in line with the conversation just before them, when J was talking about his young life in New York City, Thanksgiving and gratitude. So I shared it with M: it was a quote from Lifelube: when you're about to begin something difficult, think to yourself that it is easy, and eventually it will be. It struck me, cause even one month of sobriety seems like an impossibility. Six months? Let's start talking about unicorns. But if I think, "One month? Yeah that's easy," I can retrain my mind. It's like another M said, I have to do spiritual (and possibly physical) pushups.
That's what I think the pages of this journal are: I do one page and soon I will write more. I learn to walk so soon I can run. I'm trying to make this a daily practice, one page each morning. Working my way through the mountains that keep me from the spirit within, the spirit that listens and translates and transliterates and sings. Ever since I say Nikky Finney this week, I keep wondering what it is that I want to write, but right now I just want to find the way out of my way and write what comes. To listen and sing. To practice. "I put this moment here."
Maybe I will never be published, but I want to be. So many of my heroes are writers. I want to be among them. I don't want to be just a "writer." I want to be a Writer. A scribbler of pages.
This weekend was rough. Though I'm fairly new to the program, I don't feel like I have the extra fellowship that a newbie should have. My potential sponsor's phone had been turned off. Another couple of people that I had been talking to, I texted them: one guy took an hour to get back to me while the other has never responded. I posted on Facebook that I was in need, and another program person who is also my friend there, texted me to check if I were okay. He ended up saying basically that everyone in the program has a life, and I wondered then what's the point of handing out phone lists, of saying if you need someone call.
Though I began questioning whether I was going to continue going when it seemed the support net seemed to exist only during the meeting, I'm going to continue going, but most likely, I'm going to work the steps on my own. If I'm told that I need to ask for help, what does it matter if no one is willing to hear the call.
So, a new week begins, and all I have to do is wait and keep telling myself "This is easy." It'll be fine.