Monday, December 10, 2012

Life in a Bottle

Image via Metro Jacksonville

I'm a day behind on this post. Yesterday was definitely a stay in and hibernate kind of day...not that I did that. The morning started with a meeting at 11 - my 9th meeting of the week. I feel like with this past week of meetings, I've finally stopped fucking around, and started doing what I need to do: calling people when I've been triggered going to meetings, filling up my time, being around people when I'm lonely, going to bed and/or resting when I'm tired. Not giving into only habits.

Saturday was probably my longest day. I went to 3 separate meetings: one at 8, one at 2 and the last one at 8. (The 8pm meeting was in the park pictured above, in the building shown on the extreme right edge of the image.) Oddly enough, once I got home, I had thought about and listened to people talk about drinking so much that I struggled to stay home and not drink.

In retrospect, it was a quite funny five minutes of me standing in my apartment. I keep my money in a drawer, and I would open the drawer, stare at the $20 bill that was trying to "seduce" me, then close the drawer, then open it again, then close it again, then open it again. And it sounds funny, but my lack of just being about to take my shoes off and my jacket and just pick up a book, start a movie, stay in one spot, at the time, was frightening. Frightening in that it is so common currently - a path that it is so fucking difficult to see, if not the end of, at least a fork or a curve. A bend.

But eventually, I got my shoes off and my jacket. I got in bed - my cats curled up around me and I spent the next hour with Diana Wynne Jones's Howl's Moving Castle before going to bed.

The fear extended itself to the morning, but rather than fear, it was helplessness and a certainty that most likely I'd always be alone. This translated itself to my Facebook status: if I can't be 6ft of modelly muscle, can I at least be Doctor Who hot?

Now, it's Monday morning, and I still haven't drank. Though I could go for a hot chocolate.

10 comments:

Tamayn Irraniah said...

I think a hot chocolate is bien merité. The problem is that it's a struggle from what I understand, not drinking. It only gets easier and you find ways to prevent yourself from thinking about it. I wish I could say something more about it, but this is really out of my depth. I can only say that you write beautifully on the subject. I hope getting this on paper helps you notice patterns or that you can pull something from it, but selfishly, it's beautiful, painful, but beautiful to read.

JamTheCat said...

If you can make chocolate your addiction, you're one step closer to control. Because dark chocolate is heaven in a wrapper.

I gotta say, I am so proud of you.

wetpaint1971 said...

Your honesty is refreshing..good luck and keep your chin up.

Kyle Leach said...

JP, you won't always be alone. You are taking the steps to make sure that doesn't happen. I'm glad you are telling your story here. We struggle with demons of our own. Most people are just really good at hiding them or are too ashamed to expose them. My agoraphobia often has me at the doorway putting my coat on and taking it off for fifteen minutes, all the while trying to make myself face my pain and fear, which have manifested as anxiety. Most of the time I win over the phobia, but some days I loose and my own fears trap me here. The important thing is to fight and fight you are. Be well my friend.

Mitchell is Moving said...

Well, I hope you succumbed to the hot chocolate. That's allowed, isn't it? Remember, 6-ft-Muscle-Models and Hot-Dr-Whos still drink and abuse substances, and they usually have a lot less depth to deal with their problems. Just stick to being adorable, hot, and brilliant. You have my continued respect and admiration for the hard work you're doing.

Writer said...

Thank you, Tamayn. Hopefully with some distance, I will be able to continue to write about it. Much like many great American authors had to jump ship and move to Paris to write great American novels. :)

Writer said...

Thank you, Kyle (JamTheCat). I for once am kinda proud of myself. I've had all kinds of "reasons" to drink, and yet, I haven't. That makes me really very happy. :)

Writer said...

Thank you, wetpaint. :)

Writer said...

Kyle, if there is anything I can do to help you with your demons, please let me know. And thank you. Hugs. :)

Writer said...

Thank you, Mitchell. I will try to stick with those things...though I've come to understand that continual adorableness and brilliance are hard to maintain. LOL