Today began as yesterday began. Walking to the Lexington Cemetery. I've become a volunteer for the website Find-a-Grave and so I accept requests to take photographs of tombstones in my area for people who live elsewhere. And just like yesterday, I got there to find the office was closed. So after a hardy "Well, shit!" I turned around and walked back home.
Got there in time to attend my first Sunday morning AA meeting. This meeting was a little weird in that the group I came with sat quite a bit away from the rest of the main group, but I quickly forgot that when I saw two friends from my server days come in. I didn't think that such a reunion would make me so, SO very happy. So much so that I made plans to go to a meeting bright and earleye in the morning with one of them.
Afterwards, my group went home to ___'s house for a post-Thanksgiving dinner, and it was simply nice to hang out with people that I inexplicably feel so close to. I know that vulnerability frightens me, but not having to hide makes me feel so close to these people that are still fairly new to me. Once again, so much so, that as soon as I got home, I felt so lonely.
In the past I would run directly from that loneliness to the nearest place to buy a bottle of something - most likely vodka or bourbon - that would allow me to numb that loneliness, even if I woke up the next day, unable to recall exactly what I did the night before and was sick for the majority of the morning. That loneliness is so frightening. My two biggest fears: loneliness and death.
So, I did something also fairly new. I texted and then called my sponsor. I picked up my computer and went down the block to the coffee shop that I live near. As I stood across the street from the shop, my sponsor called and I paced the sidewalk, listening mostly, talking some. I wasn't ready NOT to be around people, so even though I knew I would know no one here, I preferred to be here than alone in my apartment. And so I'm typing now from there. I bought myself food and have been struggling through lots of lots of people on the wifi slowing it down just to stay and be among people.
I can't wait to be around my "home" group again. I also can't wait til I like being alone. I do like to spend time by myself, so don't get me wrong. I just wasn't ready for the emptiness I felt as soon as I closed myself inside my apartment.
I write this listening to Madonna's Little Star as much needed gay-diva inspiration...and while this won't count as the gayest thing I did today, I'm posting the song below. (Though I opted for the version that simply shows the album cover rather than the Oprah performance in which Madonna is trying to be Sarah Jessica Parker...though the latter would probably bump the posting of the song up to #2 on the list of gayest things I've done today.)