Sunday, December 30, 2012

My Life in a Bottle

It's been a while since I've done this post...or with the holiday, it feels like it's been a while.

I thought I'd do something a little different. Previously, I'd posted composites or amalgamations of my writings about my life in AA. I'd take different entries that I'd written in my journals or AA assignments and tried to edit them somewhat for public consumption. This time, though, I'm giving you, verbatim, my journal entry from this morning. It may or may not make sense: I try to start writing, get out of my way, and let the writing take me wherever it needs to.

How to start. "Dear Believer"? "Hey God. It's me. Writer."? I don't know how to talk, to pray, to write, to meditate. I feel like I have to address someone. But I cringe at that. Like I said, I sound hokey. And that is my own judgment. I'm amazed at how judgmental I am. To the degree that I can or someone else can say I have "good taste" that is fine, but past that it's debilitating. I can't speak. I can't write. I can't be. Knocking over and spilling coffee becomes a catastrophe, when it actually allowed L. to get fresh coffee. I feared judgment - "Op. Writer's getting out of hand. You spaz." But that is my judgment projected and reflected back at me. Everyone left cause it was 10:30. Not out of embarrassment. I wasn't being abandoned, but that part of me that needs outside approval - a huge, fucking child, still in diapers and sucking its thumb - sees it, saw it that way. I know this. I write it down. Is that enough?

Threads. Pick one up. Follow it.

In writing things down, I hope I accept it. I give airy thought concrete form. Instead of a myriad ways of expressing a thing, I give it one chain of words. But then there's still other lines of attack, so I write it again and again. Each new expression is, I hope, another facet of acceptance. Alcohol is not the only thing I'm powerless over. There are certain - for the lack of a better phrase - thought-patterns that led to my HIV then on to my alcoholism and to here. And by these pages I seek to make within myself the space, the spirit, the approval, the love that AA and my new family make outside myself. I have to get out of my way. To listen. And to write down what I hear. Threads. I follow the thread. To the end. I write it down. This is my prayer. I believe in a god. It is the universe. It is all around me, and I am a part of it. I am it. We all our [sic]. With self-will, I am trying to remove myself from that embrace. Alcoholism, addiction is the pain of trying to create that loneliness [isolation]. Ripping, rending, tearing. Tearing a muscle. Breaking a bone. But as with a muscle or a bone, it is still within, encased, embraced. Removal is not actually possible. Pain is just another state of being. Growth. Loneliness is not actually possible. Self-will is. But it seems to be more a misdirection, a misunderstanding. Like S. last night, we fight against the things we come to enjoy. We think we need more. Like Amelie, we dip our hands into baskets of beans. We take pleasure in simple things. We contemplate simple things. We make small snowmen and try to not ache too much at their loss when they melt.

We do not see. We think we are alone.

There was something I went to sleep with. There was the spilled coffee and then some thought involving J. I can't remember what it was now, but it seemed important and upsetting at the time. Did it solve itself in my sleep? I don't remember any dreams. It now seems silly to worry about being away from J. - that separation will make the heart grow forgetful - when everytime after we've been apart, when we meet again, it becomes clear how much more we want each other. On my part, I know this is true. And I cannot change J., so I accept that there is a degree of not knowing, and I accept the surprise and joy of relearning. I think he feels the same, and I see the same surprise and joy when suddenly we fall into each other again. Acceptance seems so frightening. Like C. said, it is simply not easy.

Dear God. Dear Believer. Dear Universe. Dear HP. Dear AA family. Please help me not drink today. I've already lost enough days, enough moments of joy and pain. Even pain is mine - without it I do not know joy - it marks the end, that what came before was important or it tells me that I'm growing, that I'm hungry, that something is missing, that I need to reconnect to you - whatever, whoever you are. Pain tells me that I'm seeking outside myself for something that surely, if I look, I can find within. And surely I should only need to find within. It is difficult. It sounds lonely. Self-contained. But is it? I have my meetings, my AA family, my new friends, my old friend, my bio. family - some of them. [I hope soon to have J.] I am surrounded by people. All I have to do is pick up the phone. AA isn't the only thing that works via attraction rather than promotion.

I'm not expecting this to make any sort of narrative or linear sense. Basically now that I've gone long enough without drinking all the bullshit that lead me to sexual addiction, HIV and then alcoholism is now perking its pointy ears up...especially now that I have someone that I want and whom I think wants me back. But even without new sobriety, a new relationship is scary...it's why the suggestion is to not begin a relationship until at least a year after you join recovery. But what I believe in appears to have thrown him in my path and we connect on so many levels, and I hope that continues.

Thank you for reading.

18 comments:

SEAN said...

The only comment appropriate: thanks for sharing.

Oh, and HAPPY NEW YOU I mean HAPPY NEW YEAR!

*actually typed you so I left it.

Wonder Man said...

Thank you for sharing your story with us. I greatly appreciated it

JamTheCat said...

Thank you for sharing. And for remaining strong.

Writer said...

Sean...given that a year ago this New Years, I was in jail in a drunk tank, it is appropriate. Thank you. :)

Writer said...

You're welcome, Wonder Man, and thank you. :)

Writer said...

Thank you, Kyle. I feel like I get a little bit stronger everyday. :)

Stan said...

“Bad things happen to you to make you realize your true potential, strength, will power & heart. Have faith & stay strong”

Tamayn Irraniah said...

It seems like you're putting things back together, so I'll take it as a good sign. Sometimes nonlinear really is the best. It made sense at the time, and the most important is that it makes sense to you.

Faith is something that no one can tell you how to have. the judgement you have is an excellent example of the inherent dualism in society. There are some people who feel bad because they don't believe in anything, and there those who feel bad because they don't believe in what society thinks is correct. In any case, I hope you're doing well and that you were able to enjoy your holidays.

pastoralice said...

Though I watch you from afar (some call it lurking), I watch with love and compassion. You're on the road to transformation and for that I thank God.

Writer said...

Stan, that reminds me of something my aunt said when I came out to her. That my life would be like raku (speeling) pottery...I would go through fire but would come out more beautiful than I was when I went in. :)

Writer said...

I did enjoy the holidays, Tamayn. I hope you did the same. I'm definitely a Libra in that I try to weigh all options and want to find some sort of balance in the world...inner and outer. :)

Writer said...

pastoralice, you are such a lurker. ;) Thank you. :)

Loki's Log said...

Writer,

Thanks for sharing this (and your previous posts. I so admire your strength. I wish i were closer that I could be more of a help to you.

Writer said...

Loki, that you admire me is a lot. I have very little sense of worth or self-worth, so I'm always surprised and a bit more buoyed when you (or anyone) says something like that.

Thank you. :)

Kyle Leach said...

JP, I'm glad you shared your reflections. They are much like a poem. No it is a poem. So many of us feel these feelings, but are unable to express them. All of our clutter and ponderous chains. From one writer to another, your reflections are truly beautiful and more human and true than three quarters of the crap I read each day. Thank you so much for sharing this with us. It is the ultimate act of trust to publicly expose yourself in such an intimate way.

Writer said...

Thank you, Kyle. That means a lot to me. I've always wanted to be a writer, though as time goes on and I get older, I see that I'm less likely to be able to make a living at it or a name for myself. LOL. But I can still write, and get out of my own way and say something. :)

Jon DeepBlue said...

Love this. A stiptease of your soul! ;)

The road to our true self is a long one. We cross many deserts. For days we feel we're not making any progress but we are: it's just hidden from us. And one day, BANG! we reach the oasis. But we must always keep walking to get there. Always keep walking.


One cannot play the guitar like a virtuoso after a couple of months. A lot of practice is needed, many hours every day, many days without seeing any progress and then suddenly, come the day when we can play without even thinking about it. Life is no different. Practice, practice, practice.

All the best to you JP.
Hugs
-Jon

Writer said...

Thank you, Jon. We keep practicing until we die. LOL